I found today difficult. The playground became almost too big. Too many choices, a kind of doing everything all at the same time. Trying to distill an idea, creating a movement passage from a random kicking action, singing a song we made together ‘ Don’t lift me out of this mess’ in a highly performed style, feeling vulnerable, missing valuable thinking space, doing a 33 min improvisation together and getting frustrated, not enough space, sensing that wanting to control all the elements too much would be distracting, getting carried away by lighting possibilities then stuck with the most fundamental things, what am I doing? lighting a small area with a bulb light pinned to a wall, safety in smaller spaces, playing with my sound boxes at random, improvising with them finding challenge in the attempts.
I felt like I don’t know what I’m doing, what’s the question?, what’s the enquiry? what is the overarching framework that these varied elements can sit within?
I know it’s not necessary to know everything right now. Wednesday’s are always tricky, middle of the week. That is the point. To get lost. To try and stumble on something new by accident. To stay open and not get attached to the feeling of vulnerability that doubts everything. To enjoy the journey somehow. To surrender to the process by staying committed to it.
Tomorrow I’ll listen to all the musical ideas generated and see what atmospheres are emerging. It’s good to go back sometimes, then from something familiar turn a different corner. Make a different connection.
I danced a bit today. I’m interested in states of being rather than putting together choreographic sequences. I have to find a way to do both. To dance in a way where I can bring all of myself into my dancing all of the time, all the edges, impulses, breaths, rhythmic flourishes, splutters and emotional detail of the attempts.